It's not about the bumper sticker
It’s easy to get caught in the craziness of the college application process…
My son Ben’s school has given the seniors the day off to look at colleges in preparation for applying in the next few months. My husband Richard and I are involved in the process (which is why I wasn’t on the Today Show today).
On the one hand it’s hard to believe that we have a 17 year old son who’ll be leaving us in a year. We’re trying our best to keep this process in perspective for all three of us. We decided as parents that the best thing we can do is to be there as support from the back seat, and to let him drive the decisions that affect his future as much as possible.
We’re lucky because Ben has already seen several colleges, and although he has a favorite, he’s made it clear early on that he could be happy at a lot of places. We’ve basically told him, "Hold on to that thought, honey.” So much of this process is subjective and out of your control. It’s important to keep in mind that it doesn’t matter where you go, it’s what you do with the opportunity you are given.
I say that as somebody who desperately wanted to go to Harvard University. Instead of Harvard, I went to Tufts University; certainly not shabby but it wasn’t my first choice. I wasted a lot of energy holding on to some Harvard fantasy-- I even went so far as to hitch into Harvard Square every Saturday and “pretend’ that I was really a Radcliffe gal.
Okay, I know you think I’m crazy (and maybe I was) but my point is: by not giving Tufts a chance I was cheating myself. Fortunately I got over it (thanks to some wonderful professors at Tufts who were able to find the student inside).
But it taught me a lesson: I would never want to impose that pressure on our kid, not that I could--he’s far more level-headed than I ever was.
Advice to parents: a lot of the chatter you hear about "the next four years" is really among parents who have this need for their kids to go to a particular school. It’s easy to forget that this is really about a terrific journey that your child is embarking on. It’s not about "this school" or "that school." It’s not about the bumper sticker on the back of your car. It’s about learning.
And do you know what I’ve learned by being in this business and working with interns? I’ve learned that the kids who impress do so because of what they bring to the table—it’s never about where they went to school. It’s about their curiosity and their interest. And their willingness to learn.
Sure, some schools can give you a leg up in terms of networking but in the end, it’s really about how you use your education and the joy you find in learning and the passion you bring to whatever you care about in life.
I’m still learning…
High Meredith you and Richard have the right attitude. You as a mother would like him to be somewhere close that's normal the mother instinc but if it's
California or Texas so be it he can fly back when he's off.
Bye Jc
Sure, that business of hanging around Harvard Square was nutty, but it was something done by a high school kid with your name. Very few of us have not been guilty of something somewhere in that league of dumbness. (I'm not one.)
It's good you made the point about the relative prestige of having attended certain colleges. It's an ephemeral value, except maybe to letter-sweater wearing senior citizens, and the selfishness of using one's own kids for a vicareous ego jolt of this sort is a sin whose eczematous face could use a little sunshine.
There's no doubt that you're right in this matter of the relative value of motivation and conviction versus resume and history in our endeavors in life.
Not that I believe in a discontinuous self, as in let's let Timothy McVeigh go to go work out his problems, but we need the prerogative of personal reinvention.
Besides, what do we most enjoy about people? What they're up to now, or what they were up to way back in some when? (This from a history fan!)
Thanks for your honest comment about college and the hunt for the best one. My daughter is 17 and we are already in the search. Please keep us post it. Your opinions are well taken.
When I interview candidates for a position, I care less about where they went to school and more about what they did while they were in school, or what they did with their education after school. I find that my best performers have gone to less "prestigious" or well-known schools, they earned their education (contributing toward their education, working hard while in school), they looked beyond the classroom (volunteerism, study abroad, extra-curriculars), and the qualities they exhibit can be borne in any good institution (tenacity, humility, entrepreneurial spirit, versatility, work ethic, curiosity, initiative, etc.). Not to mention, 10 years into your career, employers care less about where you got your degree and more about *if* you got your degree and what you've done since that time.
I stood in your shoes one year ago. We were visiting colleges ,but the moment my son put his foot down on the Uof Arkansas campus that was it. Much to my husbands dismay (U of Texas grad) he found where he wanted to be. He was home this last weekend with several friends in tow. We had a ball. We know he is where he should be, soooo happy. I hope Ben will get the same feeling of this is it. Best of luck. It goes too fast. Becky
Hi, Meredith! I enjoyed reading your post today! My son is a freshman in high school and is already talking college. He has the Harvard dream, too, and the grades to match. While it's great to dream, I worry that he puts to much pressure on himself. Education comes from more than just the school you went to, and I hope he remembers that. I have an education that most people never will get and it wasn't through just college, but through having a career in the Army. It's like you said, it's about making the most of your opportunities!
I can relate - my daughter is the same age and we are in the middle of the college selection process, too. I want her to be happy wherever she ends up, but it seems all I can think about is how I'm going to deal with her being gone!
I think your doing a very good job.Keep it up ok love you lots .ballfeelbar@yahoo.com
Hi Meredith,
As a fellow iVillage blogger, Westchester County resident, and recent survivor of the college craziness (my son is now a Freshman), just wanted to extend a warm welcome to the iVillage family! Love your blog -- and hope you'll enjoy a few laughs at mine ("Embedded in the 'Burbs"), especially the college-related posts. (HINT: Don't pack Ben with an iron, no matter what that Bed. Bath & Beyond list says!)
Best of luck with your newest venture and the whole college thing-- you'll ll be fine!
Your sister-in-bloghood,
Laurie Yarnell ("Embedded in the "Burbs" at iVillage.com)
This was refreshing as I am going through the same process with my 16 year old daughter. It is overwhelming not only for the student but for the parent as well. On top of the college applications, financial aid, budgeting, and I am dealing with the feelings of letting go...and I am having more of a difficult time with the later. Thanks for your insight.
I couldn't agree more with what you and your husband are doing. My son just graduated last year and instead of jumping right into school he's decided to work for a bit, save his money for school and figure out what he wants to invest his money in. He wants to be sure before he spends a lot of money on something that he'll end up hating. Some may look at it as a cop-out but I changed majors 4 times in college and I have yet to get a degree. Go figure.
good job and love yah!
My daughter Genevieve is 3 and a half years old, and yesterday I was thinking about all of this. I was imagining her being a teenager, going off to school, becoming a wife and mother. I know it seems ridiculous but the time goes so quickly. I almost feel like if I blink, even for a second, I will miss it all.
I'm thinking that as long as he knows how to run the washer and dryer, he'll do great anywhere. It's you who'll be at home tearing your hair out wondering what he's up to, and betting it's not laundering.
Good luck on the search!
We are going through this process, too, with our daughter, and it is scary how caught up in it the parents and school administration get, while, like you, my daughter seems pretty sane about it all.
One interesting thing a college counselor told me: she said that she had gone to visit a group of graduates from my daughter's high school, at the end of their freshman year of college. They were at various schools, but all met in NYC. She said nearly all of these students said that they got in to their first choice of school, and they really believed that, after one year.
The funny thing is, the counselor remembered that was not the case, and that many of them had not gotten in to their first choice. She said the great lesson there was that, because the kids believed the school they attended was their first choice, it had became first choice, after all. This probably happened because they devoted themselves to learning, as you say, and thereby loved their schools.
Meredith, I couldn't agree with you more. These days it seems it is the parents that are more hung up on the reputation of the school rather than the kids. It is so much more about their journey than where exactly they are attending college. I have two sons; one a junior in a college here in Texas, and a freshman attending a college in Nashville, TN. Both I feel are late bloomers and will very much benefit from just the experience itself. Our junior is attending the largest university here in Texas whereas our younger son is attending a small, private university. It is more important that they are happy where they are than how prestigious the school itself is. By the way, you go girl, you're doing great!
We went through this last year with my second son. He ended up going to a small school up north. He loves it! He plays soccer and is involved with so many other activities that he may or may not have been able to do at a larger school as a freshman. We're doing it again this year with my daughter. I'm thinking/hoping that we learned something last year!
Great post! I only wish I had read these words eight plus years ago when my son also attended Tufts. (first choice was Brown) Let them fly and begin to reinvent themselves. However, I failed to reinvent myself at the same time. I learned how to care from afar, (45 minutes by car!)With my daughter still in the nest, she attended school locally, becoming an R.N. I wish I had "gotten it" back then. I should have been reinventing myself as well. Well, it's never too late. I am 55 years young with two beautiful Grandchildren and both kids thriving in their professions. I am scheduled for Gastric By-pass surgery November 30th. I have a secret dream of becoming a writer. So of I go!
As another gal who wasn't able to go to her first-choice school (MIT in my case, due to finances), I totally get where you are coming from! I hope my kids don't get caught up in all of the hype and instead concentrate on finding the school that is the right fit for them...that's what matters most in the long run.
Send him to Franklin and Marshall. All the kids there are so rich no one will even notice your son
Good luck on the college search - that was one of the most confusing/difficult/soul searching experiences I had ever experienced up to that point (finding a job...much harder).
I actually got into Harvard, was forced to go by my parents, and spent the first 2 years hating it and not allowing myself to experience college to rebel against my parents.
Anyway, all this is to say that I think its important for parents to give their children the ability to make their own choices in this process. I hope you are able to provide guidance and support to Ben, and not the out and out bullying/I-know-what-is best-for-you tactics my parents pulled. I think I am a stronger person for having done four years at Harvard, but I think I would have been happier had I experienced that growth at an institution of my choosing.
(And I'm SOO not complaining...I am a very active alumni and am very grateful for the experience, yada, yada)
Know how you feel and what you are gpoing through, though my husband and I had that adventure almost 7 years ago. My daughter was in the top 2%, high SAT score, a Intel semi-finalist...but she did not apply to Harvard. She did not want to be under that type of pressure. She was accepted to a rather small college in Mass. In 4 years, she received a BS and an MS and with honors. She loved it, made many friends, and never looked back. We love visiting her in Boston and she loves living there. So wherever Ben goes, you and your husband will stay close and enjoy the years. They certainly go fast. Good luck to all of you!
As a recent college graduate I praise you and your husband on what you are doing with Ben. My parents did the same thing you are doing and let me make all the decisions and were there for me when I needed their help. Keep up the great work and good luck with the college search.
Hi Meredith...love you on the today show! Anywho...let me tell you-I walked in your shoes 4 years ago...but kind of the opposite...My baby boy didn't want to go to college (said he didn't need it because his "band" was taking off soon!) Well I freaked at first...then came up with a plan-I told him-OKAY-you can live at home and play with your band...but you have to get a full time job and pay rent! He got a job...Burger King....worked for 6 months....couldn't take the "manual" labor....enrolled in KSU! I am proud to say that he graduated this year with his bachlors in education....he landed a great suburb teaching job....and still plays with his band on the weekends-LOL! So, I guess it just goes to show you that it doesn't matter what path you take....just as long as you end up where you belong!
Take care!
You have a great perspective on things, Meredith... I do my best to not impose my desires on my daughters - I sincerely just wish that they do the best they can in whatever it is they want to do. I hope to inspire that in them, vs having to have a particular label or what society defines as being cool or appropriate.
Keep up the great work!!
I've got 2 daughters through college and still have a high school son. One thought that was important when my girls were looking and that I pass on to others: Watch for the reaction when they visit a school. Is it 'yes, I can go here' or 'I see me here'. Both my girls had a 'see themselves' moment and were very happy at their schools. Don't try to decide for them. It will never work. Good luck to you all!
As someone who has worked in Higher Education I can't agree with you more. It truly is about what the student brings to the table and what they make of the education they're given. The name of the school may get you some more networking, but if you haven't made anything of the time you spent there you're no better for it.
Good luck to Ben, he'll do great wherever he goes. He has to find the right "fit" for him to be happy though. I've seen many kids come and go from colleges because they didn't get the right "fit". Make sure that the students and the staff are his kind of people with the same basic values and he'll feel right at home and the classroom stuff will be so much easier.
Good luck!
After killing myself at a very challenging school for 4 years - once I was out I saw it immediately:
It's not what you know - It's WHO you know.
(wow - and your son knows MEREDITH VIEIRA! woo hoo - he's already ahead!!)
I love your kid-going-to-college attitude and your son's. What I find scary is that I am going through something similar AND MY DAUGHTER IS ONLY 2! (The nursery school application process in New York City is insane.) I am trying to remind myself that - as you say so well - it doesn't matter where she goes, it's what she brings to it - her curiosity, her interest, her willingness to learn.
Go JUMBOS!!! Tufts Grad JC 01
Love you Meredith and you're doing a great job on the Today Show.
My son is also a senior and our family has reached the same conclusion as yours. I want my son to be happy and make the most of any college he chooses. I can recommend two helpful books: Colleges That Change Lives by Loren Pope and Letting Go by Coburn and Treeger. And good luck to Ben!
If we as parents show our children hard-work, dedication, respect, and support on a daily basis, then we have created a person with passion. Passion is not something we can teach but rather a gift we share from God. A creation with a passion for life on a chosen path!!
Hi Meredith: Back in 1987 our oldest son was getting ready for college. He wanted to be an architect. Carnegie Mellon was the #1 school but he wouldn't apply there. He didn't think he would be accepted so he wouldn't even apply no matter how hard I tried to change his mind. He ended up going to the University of Cincinnati, it was a 6 year program, they also had to co-op. So while going to school he also got hands on experience around the country and made a little money too. In 1998 our son decided he wanted to go to Grad school, over the years he gained a lot of self confidence the only 3 colleges he applied to for Grad school were Harvard, Yale and Columbia. He got dinged at Harvard, accepted at Yale and was on the waiting list at Columbia. He went to Yale for 2 years and now works for Perkins and Will in downtown Chicago. This is a kid that went to our local public schools, started kindergarten one month shy of his 5th birthday and still went to Yale. My husband & I never went to college. GOOD LUCK!!
hi meredith :)
thank you so much for sharing that about your son - I'm 18 years old and just started college last month. i'm not very happy where i am, and what's worse, i knew i wouldn't be and sort of gave up prematurely because of the pressure i put on myself, among many other stupid reasons. i'm just now looking at what i really want so i can transfer next fall to a school that i'll actually look forward to going to. your son is lucky that you and your husband make it so clear that his happiness is what's most important.
another thing, your being so public about your husband's MS, and looking at it with humor when you can, has really helped me personally, and i appreciate that more than you know. thank you :)
every summer since i was 13 i've watched you on the view (definitely got a little teary eyed on your last day) and i wish you so much luck on the today show :)
again, thank you and good luck to Ben!
Hi Meredith, Love you on the Today show. You are a natural. Hope your family's and your son's college search is going well. and...I really hope the applications are fewer than 8. Sometimes one, or two, is good. Enjoy the fall and the changing leaves and New York City.
hey meredith hows it going??? you seem to be right on track for doing things all the time and loving every minute of it.. i have had ms for 4 years and give myself the shot! richard has had it for along time did he always do shots and ifso what kind did he start out with?? thanks-linda matice
Hi Meredith-
Saw you on Conan and you are always fun to watch- good show last night.. you are very funny and real.
Ron
I wish your son the best of luck. Keep us posted on what schools he is looking at?
Dear Meredith,
I am a psychotherapist and author who has lived with MS for 14 years. I have a new book published by Hunter House Publishers, "MS & Your Feelings: Hanlding the Ups and Downs of Multiple Sclerosis." This is the first book written that deals exclusively with the emotional impact of MS. I have counselled hundreds of people with MS and their families. I would be interested in being a resource for Richard and his new book "Living with Chronic Illness. I would like to send a copy of the book to Richard. Would you be willing to give me a mailing address or email address so I can make contact with him? Best Regards, Allison Shadday, LCSW
I think you are terrific on the today show. You are such a real person. My hope today is that my son who just turned 15 is able to choose the college he wants to go to. We have had a nasty scare with a collapsed lung and I only can pray he will be ok. He wants a career in medicine, and I hope his dream will come true. Today we learned that he will always have to think about this no matter where he is or what he is doing. His sports are all on hold until we find out results from the specialists. I feel like I need a drink or two.
It is refreshing to read your comments about Ben and colleg search. Being a mother of a junior at high school I am learning each day..
Being from India and raised over there , i always grew up thinking that I was missing something as I was not in Harvard or Princeton..
After migrating here and acheiving success (!) .. I remind myself constantly that if the "educators" can ignite that fire in a learner's belly he/she will be fine anywhere.. IT is what you do with it that counts and makes a difference..
I have a wonderful family and friends here and am thoroughly enjoying my life Thanks to my parents who instilled in me the value of learning and put me thru college and such. I have a science and a law degree and I have a successful business here..
Meredith, I thouroughly enjoy watching you on Today along with Matt and Ann and others. You are great ! Keep it up!
It is great to see "normal" people in the daily lives.
By the Way my son Rahul loved Tufts University too! He has visited only 3 schools so far!!
I went to Tufts as well and there were many students there who still hold onto the dream of not being accepted into the "prestigious" ivy league. I'm glad you came to terms with the fact that your college experience is what you make it. For me I was accepted into a couple of Ivy Leagues schools and made the decision to go to Tufts in spite of what my parents wanted me to do. I never regretted my decision and I will always be a proud Jumbo. Parents should allow there children to pick the school that is the best fit for them. Alleviating the pressure of students feeling that they need to go to these 8 or 9 ivy schools.